Think Like A Genius, Smile Like A Fool

Self Entitlement: Expensive Living of Little Value

2011-06-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was mulling over all the exciting recent events that had taken place in my life so far, and rather quickly my thoughts got ahead of themselves until too little too late, I was swimming in a sea of thick with emotion, pulling me down to its unreclaimable depths.

I had risen early in the morning disturbed by an all too realistic dream, in where I found myself losing someone I love dearly, due to the darkness that lays dormant. All day I tried to reason myself out of it. I could not let it go. Perhaps this is one of my biggest fears (perhaps one day, that darkness will stir within, and emotionally tear, with no avail. Alone, abandoned, impenetrable will I be on this day). I began to think of the instances in this world where people suffer at the expense of others.

Depressing? Perhaps. Unless you look at this as a way to realign yourself to living as a bearer of peace. I've fought in this life to not just see things in one light. For if I do, I never grow, never fully understand, never return to life.

I began to become infuriated with the lack of kindness we show towards others via understanding and respect.

When we always demand attention, we do not see others, we do not embrace others. Our entitlement, devalues another at the expense of your own pride, forgetting to bestow grace. And too often we forget how to listen, rather thinking of triumphant retorts, waiting for our turn to recoup "accurate thinking". What you actually return to, is one dimensional thinking of self, and the inability to ever reach a common ground.

When we become self entitled for whatever reason--maybe our culture bred it in us, or no one ever told you that you were good enough, perhaps the struggles of life have taught you to put up a wall and demand from the world, that which was not given--when this becomes our way of living, everyone (including yourself) loses value.

Which isn't how it was supposed to be. We should not look at others, separating ourselves, and checking off our lists of why someone might be more valuable, more incredible (or less). We should not look for affirmation of ourselves at the expense of someone else. Even humorous taunts, fun as they might be, too often over step the lines of tolerance, when the heart is in the wrong place.

Should we not remember the grace in which we have fallen into ourselves? We should. Do we forget how many times someone has placed upon us warmth, welcome and genuine kindness? We do.

Human life is an immeasurable necessity to our survival and to our ability to thrive in our own lives. We are wired to fellowship and respond in love. That is when we feel most content, most genuinely happy.

When our happiness does not lie on how we compare to someone, rather how we relate to someone. This is when we begin to taste the goodness of life.

When we have something to give it becomes far more valuable when we invest it in a place that will thrive with life, rather than keeping it for the security of your isolated self.

Only then, will we truly know our value. Only then, acceptance and the ability to become unchained; freely; beautifully.

Only then, will we truly know how to love.

"Ah, the sweet smell of compassion upon the morning dew. It will bring to me a lover."

http://www.ted.com/talks/robert_thurman_on_compassion.html

Fauxgiveness: Exploiting our flesh to know genuine forgiveness.

2011-04-26T08:33:00.001-07:00

I am not one for unnecessary drama. Like most human beings, I find myself, passionately opinionated and caught in the throngs of my flesh quite a bit. There is something woven in every human being that innately attaches itself to life’s hysterics and emotional uprisings.

I must be careful not to discard emotions. Emotions are good. We were created to feel, and feel enthusiastically. We serve a God who feels infinitely, extensively, in depth--who encompasses more than our mere human hearts can handle. At times we are comparable to the insignificant fairies in the world of J.M. Barrie’s Neverland adventures. These small creatures who can only feel one emotion at a time, are more comparable to humans than we realize. When I am euphoric, nothing can hinder my mood--until something does and out the door goes euphoria and in comes (insert negative emotion here). And when that negative emotion comes--nothing can change it--until something does. Onward goes our cycle of irrational roulette.

Sometimes I wish logically compartmentalizing my emotions was a skill of mine. Sadly, yet appreciatively, it’s not my forte. Nor should it be anyone’s. Somewhere along the way, we have bought into this idea that emotionless is an achievable virtue, in which we measure ourselves to be stronger and indestructible than a frail, weak human being (in which we attach the arduous task of feeling openly). To be vulnerable, to feel, is to let go of our control of others, and we just can’t seem to stomach that most days. Why have our worlds become so hidden? So unattainable to others? We display a life of perfection, therefore setting the standard of humanity too high, that to have anyone think we are less than perfect or less in control would be the utmost failure. To release ourselves from our perceptions of others reactions to our emotions would be a great achievement. To no longer think we control how others will see and react to us—what a feat that would be.

And so we come to the idea of forgiveness. Most of us hold our cards in our hand and would rather not let them go. We can say that we forgive, but with such weight to we speak these words. Forgiveness has become conditional, attached with a spiteful penance. When I say “I forgive you”, rarely does it mean, I let go of this. Rather it quite possibly resembles a monologue such as this: “Ha, you don’t control me, I control you. You have hurt me, and now I’m going to make you feel the weight of that pain. When I say I forgive you, you will pay. I will remind you here and there of how you wronged me, and I will play my cards right to get what I want out of this situation. I am jaded. And you were the source”.

Lets take the well versed relationship illustration. Jack and Jill, the token couple (I hope they weren’t siblings), have ended their relationship. Oh dear! Initially we all care. Until the dramatic show endures far past its end date. Jack and Jill have been together for quite a long time. So both parties are deeply tied to each other, emotionally, physically, spiritually etc. Since most relationships (dare I say all) are either severed or explosive in the end, each party is left wounded and incomplete, looking for something to heal their bloody limbs. Let’s add “unhealthy” to this picture and you have a big ol pot of messy, wounded, closely psychotic mess of disenchanted lovewreck.

This happens. Its not unusual, and if its ever happened to you, celebrate that you have completed the lovesick adolescent rite of passage. It is not selective to gender, culture, age, race, etc. I guarantee that every person will go through this scenario at some depth in some point of your life. Dare I forewarn you not to shut off your emotions. No, that would ruin you more than you know. You will be tempted to. You will be so livid and upset, you wouldn’t want those who hurt you to know that they caused you pain. You desire to be stronger, to be the demolishing force. They. Will. Pay.

Look at you, you cute little emotional tyrant. Very good now. Keep feeling. Should you stop there and shut off emotion, you would stunt your growth and never fully move forward freely. You would stop relating to people, you would stop feeling the ebb and flow of life’s happenstance, and nothing would mean anything to you. Things and people would stop having value, and therefore you would stop having value. This is not true of course. This is your view of things. Because the warm, pumping heart, created to love, created to feel joy and sorrow, pain and laughter, has stopped working. You cannot feel joy, because you did not know pain. You chose to stop feeling, but little did you know feeling that pain, would take you through it, which would in turn bring you out of it, which would in turn bring you to something of new life.

Perhaps euphoria.

Maybe peace.

Or love.

Or contentment.

Even free of burden.

I urge you. I contend for your hearts! Do not stop feeling. Do not stop owning your heart and knowing your heart. This is where wisdom is made! When you say that you forgive, in order to still remain in control—you lose. You cannot remain in control of someone else’s heart, and expect forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying that what you did was ok; because maybe it wasn’t, maybe what they did was excruciating and terrible, perhaps unfathomable. Forgiveness is not excusing that behavior. It is realizing that you have been gifted with a life that should not be controlled by that persons actions. It is setting yourself free, so that you can move on, and move through healing. Its understanding that you can not control someone’s emotions, and to try to do so would keep you unhealthily tied to them, bringing death to your heart.

Forgiveness is freeing yourself, which in turn frees your heart, which gifts someone else with the chance to embark on a journey of healing, seeking wholeness and fullness to their broken world as well. Forgiveness is emotional. You cannot forgive without feeling the necessary emotions, which lead you to letting go of being controlled by pain.

And who can teach us this better than Christ himself? Who released those before him, all who had sinned, all who had killed him, and fell into the hands of death. Upon his mighty return He was all love. All freedom. All peace. He went through the (in his eyes) decidedly necessary pain, so that he might gift us with eternal life, and that we might know our God up close and personal. Not separated by sin. Able to worship in eternity, which brings our Heavenly Father such Joy and Gladness. Which in turn gives us tenfold of our greatest human emotion. Release your heart to Him and take comfort, for he knows you. He created you, and He desires to show you just what He can do to your mere human heart when you lay it in his hands. He will revive it. He will bring it into a marvelous light.

Therefore, I urge you dear brothers and sisters—do not stop loving. Never cease to feel fully and freely the emotions that encompass us, never stop releasing that which we were not meant to hold onto. And above all never forget the value of living a life that is not half felt, rather fully embraced.

Pores

2010-11-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

So look at me that way,

you were fearfully made,
   beautifully made,
   meticulously made.

Down to the holes on your skin

oh those holes on your skin.

Look at me that way,
looking for the wrong
things to hear from me-

and I will tell you what I truly see.
I will tell you what you ought to know,
what we were robbed of,
what we hide from.

This world,
it is a camouflage to our eyes,
we only see what we despise,
but---

wipe clean your vision,
   your heart,
   and listen.

I will tell you,

and you will know it.

The majesty of this

UNdebatable love,
   UNdeniable love,
   UNending love.
It will embrace
"you"

and

YOU.

None of this hiding behind
the mistake we have made,
the false security of the things of our grave.

It will erase
"you".

and YOU will come

into being.

and

YOU will come

into being.

just.

you.

So please.

Look at me that way.

That I might love

you.

Faux Food... A Nutritious Deception.

2010-07-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

I am unashamedly a preschool teacher.

Why Unashamedly? Have you ever tried teaching twenty some five year olds at once, while maintaining orderly chaos and enjoying yourself as you adventure off to made up lands, with strange creatures and evil villains? Only I hold the secret magic that can heal any wound. Don't tell them its just a kiss... they probably wouldn't believe you anyway. I've already etched the truth in their minds, that a few magic words, and a silly face is the trick to make any spirit rise. Yes. We live in a safe, radiant world, that no ordinary grown up can embrace.

I can also assume the role of evil queen-- dominator of all time-out corners and the behavior board. She is optional. There is, however, one role that is not optional. Every day at 12 pm sharp, I morph into Ms. Eatwell. In case there is any confusion to what the order of food consumption might be, I help you decipher. Yes, your sandwich is first... always. Then your fruit, and anything natural. Salt is next... maybe some pretzels, and last of all should be your chocolate.

I find myself internally battling truth with the idea of truth. I eat well. Natural, organic-- I don't really eat junk food, except for the occasional party. Its not a chore, it just is. There are apples in my fridge, fruit on the table, pita and hummus instead of Lays potato chips. I enjoy true food.

I see five year old children sent with go-gurts in substitute to their fruit. The typical order of food might go like this: PB&J Uncrustable, Go gurt/fruit cup/fruit snacks, chips, brownie/chocolate pudding etc. all with a juice box to top it off. Say you throw in an apple. GREAT. Nutrition. That apple, however, doesn't overthrow, even out or stop all the other junk thats going into your body. The result-- temporary energy, followed with a crash, stomachaches, head aches, constipation, and in the long run, most likely, horrible eating habits and obesity, heart problems, diabetes etc.

Why does this kill me? I wish I could say I care about their health fully, and that I am the health guru. We all know thats not the case. Yes, I care. But there is something deeper that urks me.

We are teaching them the theory of health/good eating, rather than true health/good eating.

And here's how it relates, and why I became so enraged. (YES, I was so bothered, I told Em she could have her chocolate piece before her go-gurt, because the chocolate was healthier, natural, proper serving size. SCANDAL)

In relating to the Church (as in big church with a capital "C"). We teach the theory of healthy living, we talk about it, imagine it, innovate, invent, and discuss, over and over. (and by healthy, I don't mean running every day and eating well-- I mean staying in tune to what the Father is doing, talking with him, pursing Him, loving others, living in community, taking ownership of faith and passion, seeking him in every aspect and doing as he said. Stepping out in boldness, growing, being stretched, giving up being in control, seeking healing and wholeness, truth, identity, fulfillment. Being self sacrificial servants, bowing down before the King every day and recklessly loving those before us, in true community, walking out life, and being beautifully transformed in the wreck of it all. Rejoicing. Being peace makers and worshippers. Overwhelming, isn't it?). Instead, we have our "community". A safe cluster of people, who talk like us, believe like us, worship like us, make the same income like us, have children like us and political beliefs like us.

It looks healthy. In some ways it is. You need people you can be totally open with and vulnerable in front of. Can you? Can you be raw and let your guard down? It would mean you don't have it all together...

I think we are selling out. We have stamped value of a person on their circumstances, rather than on their true value-- priceless to the King and eternally, fully loved. Blessed with gifts and unique qualities.

We go home, close our doors, and pop open the wine. Theoretically you can read all these blogs, books-- listen to sermons, teachings, etc. You can go to church, small group and the young adult gathering at that trendy church down the road on sunday night. But what does Jesus desire? What does His Word say? What was his example? Where is his heart in all of this?

If you never step outside of yourself... If "Christian" becomes a label, a stereotype, a safety net... then you're missing it. It's not good health. It's a theory of health.

Truth-- Seek the Kingdom, and I bet you'll find yourself in places you never imagined. With people you never would have intentionally met. You'll be stretched. Keep seeking. Exponential life begins.

So as you pour your glass of wine, your cup of coffee-- as you sit down to dinner-- forget about everything else. Seek the Kingdom in that moment. I wonder who pops into your head. I wonder what your neighbors are doing. I wonder who you pass every day, yet you know nothing of their life.

Dare you to break free.

You Can Stir The Pot, But Can You Cook The Meal?

2010-02-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

I don't typically like familiar sayings.

i.e. "you can't have your cake and eat it too" 'Knee high to a tree stump' 'don't throw the baby out with the water'

Because, quite often, they lose relativity, and in my selfishness, I can't drop these clever sayings without someone ending up looking completely, and utterly lost.

I'm a big believer in relating things to everyday life, this era, this culture. Yes, I would love the world to stay informed on old historic sayings and ways, but it isn't the case... so to reach the people, we must relate to the people, because we are the people.

I'm not sure what this rant is about, except that I had this thought this morning.... You can stir the pot, but can you cook the meal? And so my effort to connect it to something begins.

This past weekend, we've had almost a record breaking snowfall. I knew it would hit hard. I knew that I would be comfortable and well supplied with food, entertainment, clothing etc in my own home. And like a winter storm, out of nowhere, hitting Maryland, a tiny insignificant state, incredibly hard and incredibly brutally, I was hit with a deep and bitter realization in my own life. I don't want to be comfortable and sitting like a duck, just waiting... for what? And so, a big part of myself was woken up... and I up and left. Gathered food, clothing, donations, and implanted myself in the city. In a place that you wouldn't exactly vacation to, or stroll around looking for good food. I was ready for God to do something. So as he directed, I left my home, and got stuck, gloriously, in the city. And far from short, my life was changed.

You see, I have never been one to want to sit in one place. I remember as a child (and even sometimes now) My sweet, sweet mother getting frustrated with my inability to sit still at the dinner table. The only way this was accomplished was if I was ripping napkins subconsciously. My personality is that of an adventurer. I want to live with a passion so deep, so alive, that it squirms in my hand dying to be set free. In moving back home, I have felt extremely confused. It's as if all of my passion slipped out of my hand, and I couldn't chase it. I felt so lifeless, so the only thing I could do was get on my face and pray to my Father. Why did it all slip? Why did I let the lies and the old insecurities get back to me? Why did I feel so lost and alone? What is my life about? I've never not had something I was doing or working towards.

It was a good six months. Possibly the hardest. Possibly the loneliest, most confusing, empty time of my life. But all I could do was go back to my loving heavenly Father. Seek the one with whom freedom was birthed. Who relentlessly pursues His children. There is something to be said about perseverance. We discover more of ourselves, and more of our Father. There are times in our lives when we must wait, and receive. Receive what it is he is wanting to do, or speak in our lives.

And as always, on the other side, I see how beautiful and much needed it was.

And then like a blizzard, he struck. Out of nowhere.

Passion.

Passion to love people. Passion to love the unloved. Passion to seek the lost. Passion to comfort the world in its brokeness. Passion to envelop people in His loving kindness.

Well world. I've figured it out. I'm back. No matter what I do in life, I can carry this anywhere. I would do anything just to have a house for people to enter into, and see His light, feel His grace, His wonder and might.

So I can stir this pot and talk it. But can I cook the meal and serve it?

I don't want to just be an encourager with my words, but with my life.

I guess we shall see. Can I cook the meal and serve it wherever I am? Now?

Here's to walking it out.

To not being safe.

To living the gospel out.

To being humbled.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father from whom every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. I pray that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power through His Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love. I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is by the power at work with in us able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen" Ephesians 3:14-21

You can stir the pot... but can you cook the meal?

The Beautiful Exchange with the Ugly Truth.

2010-01-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

Word Vomit. Go.

I've been throwing this question around in my head...

Am I truly taking seriously the teachings of Jesus?

I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

But then again, once I ask a question it urks me when I don't know the answer, and on my journey of finding the answer, I knew it would be hard, yet, it would be worth it and life changing.With human hesitation I stepped out on this path, and of course there was a comfort and an excitement stirring inside. I love it when God continues to circumcise my heart and take me on these blind drives. He has the wheel, all I can do is follow and know he is faithful. He makes all things work together for my good, he is sovereign.

At first, I tried ignoring the answer. BAH! It was always in my mind. Following me like a dog on a leash.

Then I tried only to skim the surface and find a shallow answer. HA! no. Not possible. The truth is, when God is holding out his hand saying "Walk with me, I want to show you something" Deep down, though my fears push the thought away at first, I am so drawn to Him that I can't help but follow, and I know that eventually I'm going to walk with him, and Its going to be wonderful, whether easy or hard.

The question was still there: Am I taking Jesus' teachings seriously? Am I, as a follower of Christ, following his example and what he taught?

I would say at first glance, yes. And in some things, yes. However, I feel as though "Christianity" in the U.S. is a pick and choose life. You pick what you want to follow, you do what is easy for you; in other areas of life, you take control and decide to ignore what Jesus is saying about other things in your life.

I find that the things I turn a deaf ear to, are the things that have a stronghold in my life much of the time.

I find that the things that are hardest for me to do, are usually what I should do.

Turns out they're usually the most beneficial and beautiful journeys.

So I opened up to the Gospels.

And Prayed. Silenced my mind and opened my heart to begin to hear what the Father had to say.

*Cringe* Conviction.

True, we have to take things into context of what the Original Reader was thinking, what their mindset was, what their culture was like... but the Bible is full of timeless truths, and is still applicable to today. It's God's SPOKEN word, and he never changes. He isn't like us. He is steadfast, and knows all things before, during and after.

I suddenly got so MAD! ANGRY!

Angry with myself, angry with others, angry at this culture.

This was the scenario that popped into my head when I was reading.

Scene: Homeless Man on the street asking for money for food. Person in car looking at him.

The question passes through her head: Do I give him money?

Possible Options

a. No, he's probably a drug addict or alcoholic and will just use it for his addictions. I won't enable him

b. I have no cash. Sweet, no guilt.

c. I will give him a few dollars, enough for a McDonalds burger on the dollar menu, but not enough for substances, maybe throw in a "Jesus loves you" line. Hope for instant conviction

d. I'm going to buy him lunch and try to convert him.

e. Don't look at him, stick a few bucks out the window... now I can go home and sleep at night.

WHAT?! Is this really the best you can do?!

All of these answers are self centered, and controlling. Why do we think we have to control others lives? Yeah he has his junk... but so do we. We serve a God who looks at his children with the same love, and his heart breaks for us, and rejoices for us. He pursues no matter what. He has our best interest in mind, but he doesn't force us. He doesn't hold us in chains, he breaks our chains.

But this is what we think. It's sick. Why do we assume we are better off? We go through life devaluing people, and placing value on them. We add points to their value if they look good alongside us, if they are something we want to achieve likeness with...etc. We take away value if they don't "go" with our image, they aren't as intellectual, etc.

What ever happened to allowing God to transform all of us, and continuing to? Continuing to die to self? Being counter cultural? Why settle, when he promises so much more and wants so much more of us, but we allow our fears, insecurites and lack of being in control get in the way. It's not like he promises a boring, unfullfilling life. It's the unknown, yet knowing it is BIG! And WONDERFUL!

I think if Jesus was walking past that homeless man, he would love him. Whatever it looks like. Not put expectations on him, but just restore value, humanize him again. Maybe what that man needed most was to be reminded that he too is beloved and valuable. We have to let go and let God move us beautifully to His music. The result is a masterpiece of your life.

Matthew 6.24- "No one can serve two masters; for a slave will either hate the one and love the other, or be devoted to the one and despise the other. YOu cannot serve God and wealth"

.6.25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"

So a challenge: Try it. Try really living according to God's heart, his eyes, his mind... try living like Jesus. What do you think it really means to live like Jesus? Be careful, it goes against most of what this world says, it goes against our very nature, and the result is transforming.

I challenge you to try it.

Allow Him to be your movement, your life, your heart.

Let go and be free.

Let go and experience Freedom!

Truth!

Love!

Transformation!

Allow yourself to know him even more... even deeper.

Hebrews 6.

End

The Art of Living Dangerously

2010-01-18T16:53:00.001-08:00

There is something to be said about living dangerously. There something in all of us that yearns for excitment, for danger, for the unknown. Somewhere deep down we want to do something that counteracts the person we believe ourselves to be. There is a frustration-- a battle. Do we do what is right? What is expected? What is moral? Are we safe?

Are we SAFE?

Or do we offend and turn?

Recent findings of the human nature tell us that rarely do we flip the bird and surrender to danger. It is unusal to feel the rush or exhiliration of a renegade. There is a catch 22 to the human perspective-- We can not be dangerous if we are safe. We can not be safe if we are dangerous.

But I refute! This is of human resolve, who, is incredulous towards a new resolution. Who is incredulous to the idea of existing as just a small being in this gigantic world, in this gigantic divine scheme of things.

Living dangerously isn't living stupidly as we so quickly assume. It's not so much jumping off a bridge. It isn't so much playing chicken on a blind drive.

No. Danger is more.

I have to ask what am I most afraid of? What would be most dangerous?

DANGER is:

Exposure or vulnerability to harm or risk.

A source or an instance of risk or peril.

Obsolete Power, especially power to harm.

EXPOSURE:

disclosure, as of something private or secret

an act or instance of revealing or unmasking, as an impostor, crime, or fraud

presentation to view, esp. in an open or public manner

the condition of being exposed without protection

VULNERABILITY:

capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt

open to moral attack, criticism, temptation,

I am uncomforable with exposure and vulnerability. I don't want people to see my insides out-- the crap. I don't want them to see who I am-- the good and the bad. I might get wounded. I might get hurt. The imposter would be revealed. There would be a battle... there would be attacking. Someone would get hurt.

I do not like danger in this sense. To risk it all. To be obsolete in response.

There is no safety.

NO.

There is no safety within MYSELF.

There is safety. Because living dangerously is not jumping off a cliff with a bungie. No, that is exciting. That is an easy kind of danger.

No living dangerously is living the way that Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians, his letters, in Acts, It's the way Jesus lived and what he taught. It's the way that great leaders, people who change nations live. It's the way I choose to live.

Living dangerously is being love. It's risking rejection and hurt in relationships. It's going around the mountain again and again for people. Never giving up hope in people. Continuing to love those before you, when the betrayal, the pain, the hurt seems to be the cost. It's seeing the person who is hurting at the Safeway and forging conversation. It's asking to pray for the stranger in front of you. It's stepping out of your comfort zone so that someone else will be comforted. It's risking reputation. It's not trading short term popularity for long term impact. It's being countercultural. Not being independently minded but community minded.

Living dangerous is forgiveness. It's walking through the muck of our mess ups and others. Its restoring and not fleeing. It's moving forward. It's seeking His wisdom. It's not saying what we want, to tear others apart and put ourselves above. It's tough love at times. It's soft love at times. It's forefitting ourselves to a life that is more meaningful, more purposeful, more fulfilling to ourselves and others.... it's more than we could ever dream. It's being on this journey, and falling along the way. It's getting up. It's persisting. It's being weak and giving up to the resistance, and never giving up on the promise, the truth. It's battling the hard things. It's being equipped and trusting He who equips.

Living dangerously is giving up control. It's trusting. Trusting others, but more importantly, trusting Jesus. Trusting the most loving Father. Trusting that he is enough. That he will provide, that he will fulfill... trusting his will for your life. Packing up and moving 3,000 miles away with no trust fund, knowing he will provide and he has called you. It's following him. It's stepping out in faith. Living dangerously is truly risking everything that we are comfortable with. It is dying to ourselves. It's not taking the easy path. It's being the rose among thorns, pushing to bloom. It's not tradition. It is tradition. It's losing. It's seeking. It's embracing the excitement that comes along. It is adventure. It's nothing we ever dreamed of, yet everything we've ever hoped for.

It's living. Truly living.

Are you living? Or just surviving?

Face the danger, walk through it. Something beyond marvelous is waiting for you.

Religion a la mode and the battle of following Jesus. Metephorical, Personificational; Writings of a human

2010-01-18T16:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.pandora.com/#/stations/play/88029808642427404 This is what I listened to while I wrote. Listen to Bon Iver while you read! (**remember to open the link in a new window)

I'm really bad at this writing thing. I don't understand. How can someone who loves to write, hate writing? No, perhaps not writing, I just hate the daunting overwhelming feeling that comes along with gutting the black bitter bile that rests within my soul via pen to paper. (or for those who like myself, some days have OCD and this metaphorical phrase will kill you; fingers to keypad).

The Bon Iver Pandora Station helps me today. He inspires my heart, my sorrow, my grief, my love. He inspires it to the point of writing. The weather has a big part to play. Today it is fall. My favorite season. This feeling on my chest inspires me.

Why must I wait until it becomes overwhelming and unbearable? Curse humainity. Curse unavailable community. Curse the feeling that words just don't come easy.

My perception is blinding me. My fear is that my perception is true. If it is true-- then it's back to square one, it's back to feeling helpless and hopeless, it's back to feeling as though the end is chasing me.

If I allow the end to come...

If I allow the end to come?

If I allow the end to come.

What if? It would be a new day. It would be a new page. It would be a new world, with no attachments, except the divine desire to love and be loved. No one would know me. A huge part of me existing only because others create it. Gone.

Blissful freedom. Could I do it? Could I walk away? I don't know if I can be responsible for colossial damage.

BUT what about the rebel within me? What about the fighter within me? The woman who fights with invincibility, fearlessly, for everyone but herself. Could I be selfish today? Could I take that strength for myself. Just for today. Please?

I can no longer allow my whims to be effected by you. Just because I'm back doesn't mean I'm the same. Just because I look the same doesn't mean I haven't changed. Because I have. Obviously you have changed... your destruction and selfishness still stands, but I can see change in you. Don't you see change in me? I'm different. I'm DIFFERENT NOW!

I can't make love to you. I never wanted to. But I thought for a moment I could. I know now, it was a moment of weakness. I can't make love if I don't love with a special kind of love. I hope you find love. I still love you... but I am not IN love with you. You had my heart. It was broken and bruised, torn and beaten, bleeding, lying helpless, shattered to pieces... and if that wasn't enough, you are still kicking the lifeless body of a heart before you. Can we be done? Can we be done now my love? My love, what did I ever do to you? What did you expect from me?

Why does it still break for you? You've already destroyed it. You obtained such a part of me, there is still room to break. Shocking. This unpleasent feeling. You have NO CONTROL! Stop thinking that you do! If you loved me you would let me know this. Instead you hate to see me go, you twist my thoughts into codependency.

I am looking for the middle ground. Can this be salvaged for something good? Only time and truth will tell. Because you know this... we weren't supposed to live like this. We were supposed to be great together and change the world together. We were supposed to look different from all other loves, from all other lovers. We were supposed to be the welcoming, warm and inviting couple. We were supposed to live simply and love fully. We were supposed to be something great. Something different.

What happened? I think we got to ourselves. We got too comfortable. We became unfamiliar with dreams. We became and stayed. We didn't continue to stir the pot, we just let it burn, like the time I let the rice burn. I didn't change the temperature on the stove. Remember that? Remember the fun we had? The good times? In the company of others? In the company of each other. We stopped talking. That was a mistake. We stopped being, and tried to change each other. I forgot why you were good, I forgot why I loved you. I think you did the same.

And now its different. You know what darling? I think this different is ok. Life is hard. Life changes. I need to be ok when everything changes, not just one thing. Us parting... that is everything changing. I think it will be good. You need to heal, I need to remember to what I have been called. I can't wait until we meet again and it's different. I would help you, but I can't now. You need to do some self discovery... just like I need to discover why I am here, and where I should be. I just had to get this off my chest. I'll still be around, but I won't be. All at the same time.

My people are calling me. I hear cries. I hear people dying. I hear desperation. This is where I need to be. This is what I should be doing. Will you share your blessing? Maybe one day you will join me. Some of your sisters have. Maybe you have a different calling. We all feel the wind in a different way. We need to be ok with this.

Blessings on your life dear friend. I hope you will understand. I have to start living. I have to start moving. I can be boxed in no longer.

I am strong, I am made new, this was NOT what I had in mind, this is not what He had in mind when he changed it all. This is not who YOU were called to be. Times, they are a changing. It's time we embraced our truth. It's time we remembered who we are.

I love you-- its just that I am feeling the wind in a different way today.

God is Morgan Freeman

2010-01-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

I like Morgan Freeman. I think if I knew him, I would instantly love him as a person. From an outsiders perspective, he seems wise, kind, humorous, compassionate, caring, humble, fatherly... loving. If I were to need a hug and I was standing next to Morgan Freeman, I assume he would meet me where I was, and give me a warm, comforting hug and then invite me out for ice cream to hear about the issues of my heart.

Whether this is true or not, is not the point.

The point is this... The person I assume Morgan Freeman to be, is the person I instantly feel connected to, that I instantly like, that I feel safe with.

Here's the problem... I also had this image of God being like Morgan Freeman
.

Honestly I saw God as being just like Morgan Freeman. Is this a bad image? Not at all. However, there was a time when I had a hard time seeing God like Morgan Freeman. (of course, when complicated, tough things come our way, and we try and take control... often things end up looking confusing and unclear)

Because I saw a God that seemed so unlike the God I had come to know
.

The God I knew was the God who loves freely, eternally, infinately... with no boundaries. The God who is big; bigger than us, who doesn't need us, but wants us more than anything. The God who chooses to know us as holy and righteous, precious sons and daughters of the King... royal with no shame. The God who meets us where we are, who loves to provide, who longs for relationship with us... deep intimacy. The God whose heart breaks for us; whose heart knows joy for us, whose heart loves us, whose heart is that we would know him... just know him, and experience they joy of what comes in the full package.

And this is the promised package... we know his heart, we become transformed and fulfilled, living in truth and freedom, not having to be burdened, not having to do life alone, but with a greater power and companion. Knowing we have been called to something great, that we have desires and passions he has given us. Knowing he equips us and walks us through life, taking joy in surprising us with just how much he loves us, and how we have been given a true form of grace; undeserved favor.

So then I talked to a very wise friend of mine, who loved God and knew God in the same way. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.

I said "He just doesn't look like Morgan Freeman right now!"

He said "So who's better, God or Morgan Freeman?"

"Well, I guess God, because he created Morgan Freeman."

But it got me thinking. If we are made by the Creator, and in his own image... if it is he who makes us up... then he must be like Morgan Freeman, but so much more! He is in us, we were created in his image; therefore all mankind, who people are at the very core of their soul, the very essence of their being, THIS is what God looks like. Not our actions, but in our original makeup. How sad it was, that I was basing such a God, on one man who couldn't compare.

In such a diverse world, we have an even more diverse God.

Which means this: I can't try to put God in a human box. Because he created us. He is bigger, greater, and better then I could ever imagine... but grasping that bit by bit, time and time again, is enough. It is enough to fill me and overflow me.

That is the type of God we get to come into relationship with. Where we are all made in his image, and when we come together, we can see an even clearer, more beautiful picture of who God is. Just looking at one person would be a menial view of God. Even so, he is so great that we can still see his glory in a single human being.

So is God like Morgan Freeman? No

Morgan Freeman is like God.

Part one: The Human Discovery

2007-12-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

Too often people find themselves at a crossroad. To that point in our lives where we don’t know what we’re good for or what our purpose is. Where the only talent s that pop out are the seemingly useless ones, or the ones that others posess, but we so apparently lack.

But there is such a grand fact we overlook, because we’ve so watered it down, and not realized the power of it.

That every human being is capable of love.

Of loving others.

Not just the romantic love meant for only two… but a love so great that we realize there is still room in our heart to love more people we thought we could.

And from that love flows each persons realization of what they are good for.

A love to feed the hungry

A love to clothe the orphans

A love to protect the widows

A love to impact the lives of others

A love to live out.

The ability to love, each and every person possesses; to fufill the calling God has put on our lives…

To live out love.

The greatest most valuable gift God has given us.

A God that loves unconditionally.

A God that loves to love.

A God who made us humans in his image, with our own ability and capability of love, or even better, loving to love.

Because out of that love comes the rest.

Who we are
What we can do

And why we do it

a fish is dehydrated.

2007-10-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

I was in Marine Biology class the other day when I heard my teacher say something that struck me as odd and shocked me... more than I thought the simple fact would.

Though fish live in the ocean... they fight dehydration their whole lives and are constantly dehydrated.

What???

Think about it for a moment.

Chew it up.

Digest it.

What strikes this as so strange?

The fact that fish... the creatures that God put in the Ocean and said teem the waters... who are 24/7 submerged in water are dehydrated?

Well yes...

and no.

I think what really urked me was the thought that immediately came to mind.

What I instantly thought of was how I can relate to this.

And it made me kind of sick.

The kind of sick where you want to go run 100 miles to feel better... but you know you can't and then you just end up feeling really lousy.

I, as a follower of Christ, can get caught up in my own dehydration.

I can constantly be surrounded

by my Vineyard family

by Christan leaders

by teachings

by books

by worship

by the bible

by God.

But if I'm not seizing those things and absorbing them then I am empty and "dehydrated" just as much as the fish.

If I am not refilling the tank, then I can't run.

I can be surrounded by everything I need for spiritual growth and my spiritual life but if I'm not using it then I can't grow, or survive.

Am I taking advantage of the life I have?

Could be.

Hm.

I can't just have a great stretch of spiritual growth and say "OK, I'm in a good place now. That's it". and just never re-adjust, or replenish it.

Life is ever changing.

We are ever changing.

God is ever changing.

That little bit of growth will never keep up with it all.

Here's to committing to fighting the dehydration... daily. 24/7.

To being open and ever changing.

To being re-fillable.

Once upon a time there was chaos... and it was all ok.

2007-10-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

So Saturday marked the third vineyard show (the concert ministry I am a part of) in which Nazim, or the better-half of the tag team was gone. (he's in New Orleans... pray for him and the team!) It was a scream fest, so all of the bands were hardcore/screamo, and I was expecting them to be completely ridiculous and destructive. 4 team members were gone, and I had gotten two hours of sleep the night before.

The night looked like it was going to be disastrous and painful.

But I arrived that morning, and all of the chairs had been moved (thanks Linda and Nazim), all the plants had been moved (thanks new Orleans guys) and most everything was ready.

I was able to spend the day relaxing, spending time with god, and reading naturally supernatural (great book). I was completely at peace all through the show.

My team was so awesome and I am glad to call them my team. They were totally servants and they had my back.

The guests/patrons were really awesome. And I totally had an awesome encounter with this one guy in a band. God's hand was all over that.

I am really starting to see the fruit of the ministry. At first, it was hard being patient... but If I wasn't then all these awesome interactions with fans and bans would not happen at the level that they are.

So this sounds totally hippie-ish but Jesus spoke to me the other day in the randomest way...

Through the clouds.

I was riding to the DMV to take my drivers test, and lately I had been feeling dry in my relationship with God. So I started praying/talking to God and I was like "OK God, I know you are there and listening, and I know I am ridiculous for even asking, and I feel kind of selfish and rude, but where have you been? I have these walls up and I want to knock them down. Can't you just speak to me or something? Cause I feel like we haven't had a good convo in a while."

Right after that I looked up through the sunroof and I saw this cloud in the form of a heart break away from the other clouds and drift (pretty fast) until it was over the sunroof.

I remember being like... shoot, I forgot to take my meds and this is what happens.

But then I said "God is that you or is that just me being stupid?"

Immediately I saw another cloud-heart.

Again I said "God is that really you? I feel dumb."

Right after that I saw A giant cloud-hand in the holding a cloud-heart and it looked unusually real, like it was a real hand.

And I knew that it was God's hand, and I saw another hand holding a heart and then the heart floated out of the hand towards the car.

I was instantly filled with such love for God. I felt like I was going to burst. I knew God was saying "I am with you and I love you". I felt so reassured and loved. I felt whole and protected. So inexpressible.

I started praying. And I said "God I am sorry for ever doubting you..." and it went on but then I was like "God, please let me pass this drivers test. Calm my nerves and show favor on this test."

Immediately I saw a cloud arrow pointing to the dmv with a heart at the end.

Amazing... so amazing how sometimes God chooses to talk to us.

I passed my test.

As of today....

2007-10-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

As of today I am going to use my blog as a daily (or as daily as possible) journal. I will still write about things on my heart or mind, but I really want to start documenting my days.

Today was an interesting day. I woke up feeling really irritated... no matter what outfit I put on, I just wasn't feeling any of them, and usually I can just throw something together and it works, and I feel good.

Today started out bad.

Lately I have been so irritated. I am so sick of my stomach pains. For those of you who don't know, I have been having severe stomach pains most days and It is so annoying, because I have waves of nausea, sometimes i feel like someone has punched me in the gut, other times I feel like I am going to vomit any second. And I don't know when it will happen, it comes and goes... sometimes lasts for a while, sometimes a moment.

It gets old.

So I woke up today and my stomach was hurting. I was still going over the very emotionally tiring conversations of the night before. I was thinking of the things that have been revealed. I was overwhelmed and I was late.

I got into an argument, when I came upstairs to get some breakfast, and then I felt horrible.

So I got to work and at first it was rough... but as the day went on I felt so much better.

I think it is because I love where I work (at a day care) and I love the kids, and they love me back. I am really going to miss them when I leave.

Tonight I had Maddie, Taylor and Rachael over for Genevieve's sleepover. The girls are so cute... I miss being seven. lol.

I also wrote a new song... we'll see how it goes.

I woke up at two thirty and spent some time with god. It was really good. random, but great.

How awesome is this... the other day on my way to my drivers test, God spoke to me through the clouds! I plan on blogging that later.

That's it for today.

Cheers!

Keep Breathing

2007-10-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Some things.

There are some things that I understand.

There are some things I can do without thinking.

There are some things that I can just accept.

And then there is everything else.

Everything else that I do not understand.

Everything else that kills my mind just for trying.

Everything else that I just can not accept.

That I do not want to accept.

I sometimes wonder... what are people for?

I know this is the most ridiculous question... and obviously there are a million reasons.

Obviously God had a plan for each and every one.

But there are times when I just think... how painless my life would be without people.

I have not had the best track record with people. I have never had a friend who is solid and sticks with me through the years.

Feeling the burn of betrayal and rejection...

the sting of knowing...

feeling...

alone.

The thoughts that travel through my head... was it my fault? what did I do wrong? Open my eyes God... show me what I need to change.

I try to fix things up... but I can't.

Sure we might be friends again... but never the same.

My whole life... from the time I had my first best friend,

...until now.

That is whats killing me now.

I opened up. I told everything.

Every seceret, every problem, every thought.

And there were times when I would panic.

The Red Alert would go off.

A warning...

I am going in too deep.

I will end up hurt. Again.

But in my heart I thought "I feel safe with this person. How could I get hurt? Everything is just fine".

And sure enough, what happened.

I am alone.

The cold slap stings.

Changed as suddenly as the tide.

And once more... I am tired.

I am tired of being back at point A.

I am weak.

I am angry.

I am mourning.

And I just don't know if I have the strength to go back and try to fix it.

"If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Am I at fault here?

May God give me strength.

I am weary of people some days.

I am afraid of breaking one more time.

I am a stranger to commitment, a fear of mine.

May God give me the right person.

May he help me over come my fears.

May he open my mind and guide me...

Because I just can't anymore.

Some things.

There are some things that I understand.

There are some things I can do without thinking.

There are some things that I can just accept.

And then there is everything else.

Everything else that I do not understand.

Everything else that kills my mind just for trying.

Everything else that I just can not accept.

That I do not want to accept.

This....

I do not want to accept.

A MOMENT???

2007-09-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

Ok.

I am agitated.

I am frustrated.

but I am to blame too.

Here's the scenario. I am in school on September 11th. Announcements come on. The principal comes on REMINDING us that it was September 11th. He then asked us to take a moment of silence for all the families that have dealt with the loss of loved ones, and all of those who died in the attacks.

Do you know how long our moment was, for the 2,976 people that died?

20 seconds.

20 seconds is all we got???

First off, while it is not good to stay stuck in the past, it shames me that I did not remember that it was "September 11th".

Secondly, for the 2976 people that died, and for all of the families that have lost people they loved, the only time we give in rememberance to them is 20 seconds? And do we even think about the people in that short span of time once a year

I'm not asking for an hour... but at least a minute?

I am all for not living in the past or staying stuck in the past... but I am for remembering the lives of those innocently killed.

I am one of the biggest culprits for not using that 20 seconds to remember the victims...

But I am going to start.

I am not very nationalistic and this has nothing to do with patriotism or good ol america.

It pains me to see that September 11th is starting to be more commercialized...

Plain and simple, thousands were innocently killed in america, how thousands are innocently killed in Uganda (or any other country).

And the next time I take that moment of silence for anyone, anywhere, I am truly going to try and imagine how the families must feel, or how the people must have been moments before they die, and I think I'll say a prayer about it.

Sometimes, I have no mouth...

2007-09-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

I am excited.

Last night while lying in bed I had a "GOD" experience.

I was sleeping when I received a phone call, and it scared me, so my first reaction was to pick up the phone, open it and put it to my ear.

Then it happened.

I could not speak.

I could not move a muscle in my body.

It was like I was paralyzed from head to toe.

Every atom inside of me was fighting it. Every bone, every muscle, every thought.

But I could not move or speak. I could not even open my eyes.

I was panicking and thinking, "Talk. Devin! TALK! move your arm! Sit up! make a noise!".

But I could not.

Earlier that night, before I was going to climb into bed, I had a breakdown. I cried for about two hours. I released everything inside of me. I let it all out, and I let it go. Every painful feeling, every hurting thought. I released it.

Here's the deal. This past month has been one of the hardest months of my life. It's not easy hearing people say thing about you. It's not easy being betrayed. It's not easy losing friends. I have had to carry burdens that I never imagined. I am worn out and I am fighting a battle that can not be won by myself. Every time I get ahead, something or someone is ready to fight a worn out Devin, and I can not win, this sets me farther back then before. I am on a never resting schedule, and I can not recharge.

But throughout the whole time, God was doing amazing things, most of which I took no notice of.

The whole thing started with me fully re-surrendering my life to God. But In order to do that, I had to face everything that I put before him.

I had to face my sins.

I had to put things in my life right.

Make over.

I had to fight the giant.

But beautiful happened in the middle of ugly.

The real friendships stand out. People were there to support me and help me. God started speaking to me quite a bit. I started to heal. He opened doors. He took me into his arms and held me...

The make over is still happening, and I am still fighting the battle.

There was one battle I was trying to fight by myself, but last night, I finally let him take full control.

Now he is fighting EVERYTHING with me.

EVERYTHING for me.

I was paralyzed for a moment and God was saying, "not now Devin. Deal with this tomorrow. Stay in my presence for a while longer. If you want to fix this, you need to let this call go for right now."

As soon as I was released from my paralyzation, I dropped the phone and cried a bit more. But these were tears of Joy.

The whole night, throughout my sleep, I stayed harmoniously in tune with God.

This has never happened.

I am excited.

I am excited because even though I am still going "through it" and I am still going to be facing some rough times, I will let myself fall into paralysis and let God handle it.

I am excited for the new life, and the new opportunity.

Things here in Maryland are soon coming to an end.

I am finishing this chapter and starting a new one.

I am in the preparation stage,

and then...

I am going to move on.

That excites me.

May you face your giant.

May you be at peace.

May you fall in tune with God.

Love,
Devin Joy

it

2007-08-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

When I was reading through Mark this morning, I came across the passage where Jesus heals the dead girl and brings her back to life.

Mark 5:35-43
35 While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.”
36 But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.”
37 Then Jesus stopped the crowd and wouldn’t let anyone go with him except Peter, James, and John (the brother of James). 38 When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw much commotion and weeping and wailing. 39 He went inside and asked, “Why all this commotion and weeping? The child isn’t dead; she’s only asleep.”
40 The crowd laughed at him. But he made them all leave, and he took the girl’s father and mother and his three disciples into the room where the girl was lying. 41 Holding her hand, he said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means “Little girl, get up!” 42 And the girl, who was twelve years old, immediately stood up and walked around! They were overwhelmed and totally amazed. 43 Jesus gave them strict orders not to tell anyone what had happened, and then he told them to give her something to eat.

And that is the end of the chapter and everything about that incident.

I sat outside and something grabbed hold inside of me.

Maybe it was that it was a beautiful breezy summer day.

Maybe it was the fact that I was at work watching the kids who I had come to love over the summer and they seemed so happy and peaceful playing pokemon and the princesses, and I thought, “Beautiful”.

Maybe it was the fact that I was thinking of my family and where I am in my life right now, and I was thinking “perfect”.

I am absolutely sure, from the marrow inside of me that God was present, right beside me and everything in that moment in time was so beautiful, wondrous and holy. It was because of this that I was in awe.

I started to tear up. That swelling joyous feeling inside of me was making me so happy I was bursting at the seams.

Its moments like these when I fall even more deeply in love with God.
God is always present, but it's those times when he is overwhelmingly present and everything is just right... as if he is saying "Step back. Feel what I have made you to feel. Everything will be ok."

I love moments like that; so indescribable.

Back to the passage.

I don't know if any of you have realized the hugeness of what just happened...

Imagine you are this girls parents.

YOUR DAUGHTER WAS DEAD, AND SOME GUY WALKS IN AND RAISES HER FROM THE DEAD!

And that is all the bible talks about.

But I have to wonder... what went on, after she was revived?

I know that so much more happened.

Did the girl realize she had just risen out of death?

Did she go to heaven for a moment? Hell?

Did her parents cry?

Did they throw a party?

Did the guests leave to give the family time together?

How did life go on for the family after the miracle?

What immediate changes (if any) did the family make?

Was the whole room in shock? Or did they cry?

Were they filled with the Holy Spirit?

Were witnesses filled with the indescribable feeling? So much that they were bursting at the seams?

Did they see the beauty and splendor of it all?

Did they hear God's voice? Was he saying, "Step back. Feel what I have made you to feel. Everything will be ok."

The Beauty.

The Rush.

The magnitude of it all.

Do we see the beauty in the simple passage?

Do we read between the lines to completely comprehend?

Can we even envision that feeling of holiness?

No words to describe "it".

Because "it" is so ultimate that no words can be made to even begin to describe "it".

"It" is God, and "it" is beyond words.

Whoah.

2007-08-26T19:58:00.001-07:00

sweet.

Psalm 26

1 Vindicate me, O LORD,
for I have led a blameless life;
I have trusted in the LORD
without wavering.

2 Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;

3 for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth.

4 I do not sit with deceitful men,
nor do I consort with hypocrites;

5 I abhor the assembly of evildoers
and refuse to sit with the wicked.

6 I wash my hands in innocence,
and go about your altar, O LORD,

7 proclaiming aloud your praise
and telling of all your wonderful deeds.

8 I love the house where you live, O LORD,
the place where your glory dwells.

9 Do not take away my soul along with sinners,
my life with bloodthirsty men,

10 in whose hands are wicked schemes,
whose right hands are full of bribes.

11 But I lead a blameless life;
redeem me and be merciful to me.

12 My feet stand on level ground;
in the great assembly I will praise the LORD.

I'll take it black...

2007-08-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today I was at Starbucks.

Shocker.

I drink coffee a lot. But when I go out for coffee for some reason I go to Starbucks every time. I am under the opinion that they have the BEST coffee in the United States.

I am one who likes to try different things... and I get bored with stuff pretty easily, especially when I always do the same thing over and over. I just find it so bland... I have to switch it up every now and then.

So when it is hot, like it was today, and I am ordering my drink I usually get an iced coffee with milk. Perfectly hits the spot.

But sometimes I like to try something new, especially when my company is getting the same thing.

So I asked the guy at the counter if he could recommend a drink, and he offered up a frappuchino. I told him, naaa, I've had that a million times, and I find it way too sweet.

Then I see it.

Raspberry Mocha Iced Latte.

So I order.

My drink arrives....

...I take a sip...

....Horrible.

It’s really funny how three individually great tasting flavors (raspberry, chocolate and coffee) taste disgusting when blended together.

I can even imagine that taking a bite of raspberry-chocolate and coffee would taste pretty good.

But when combined to make one drink… revolting.

I just can’t get my head around it.

I tried like it. I tried to drink it, and I got about halfway when my mom said, “Devin, go and get something else to drink. That tastes like poison.”

So I went to the counter and ordered an iced coffee with milk.

Never had my regular, boring old drink tasted better.

I have to laugh.

It is so typical that things like this happen everyday.

So often we try and blend things together and make it work.

Does it ever work?

Sure…

But it’s the times when it does not work that we have to realize… “Whoa, I can’t be drinking this, its poison” (a.k.a. I should not do this).

I know of several times in my life when I have mixed myself a cup of poison.

The problem was, even when I knew it was bad, and I knew it would only hurt me... I still drank it.

And the effects from the poison would haunt me, or harm me.

I am still healing from some of the times that I made those choices.

Some examples would be my partying lifestyle, the drinking, the sexual acts I took part in, the people I hung out with, the music I listened to, the movies I saw, the books I read… the list goes on.

Separately some things from this list could be perfectly fine.

It was combining them that almost killed me.

I had no self control.

Why?

I have no idea. I'm usually a pretty strong, stubborn person.

I was an addict.

I realized “Whoa, I have got to stop.”

It took humility, strength, courage and repentance to really change.

That road itself is rough to travel on, but I did.

Still am.

So out of all of this I have realized that the life I am living and want to live is my Iced Coffee.

I am certain I will add flavors to this drink, but the ones that make it worth drinking. The flavors that make it satisfying to drink and that make it taste extraordinary.

Until then I’ll just start over and try again.

I'll try and use that self control.

I'll take that coffee, plain for now, until I figure what to mix it with.

I’ll take it black.

Don't Don't Don't stop the beat... can't stop the beat.

2007-08-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

Main charachter of a widely watched reality t.v. show, or sitcom:

"....I am the STAR of MY show.

MY show is the story of MY life, and how I overcome the obstacles by MYSELF."

By the typical happenings of Hollywood Exec’s the only highlights seen by the viewers is the drama, the bad and how it all revolves around ME.

No one see’s behind the scenes, or how things really happened or why they happened.

You might see a girl crying because a her best friend was telling the guys something really mean about her… but you wouldn’t know that the crying girl had backstabbed her friend and stole her boyfriend. But since the show is about the crying girl and you are supposed to like her, you don’t know that the girl was in the wrong too. It is pathetic, superficial and the Hollywood producers make the girl seen in only one way, and that is the way they want the viewers see her.

The thing is, while we are the main characters of our own sitcoms, it certainly does not mean we are the star of the show.

We make ourselves the star, and it really kills me to realize it. We have our hardships, but we only tell one side… ours, and when we know we are in the wrong, well… we just leave that little snippet out. We exaggerate our positives and achivements, but… whoops, forgot to tell you, yeah… um, I have some negative happenings on my behalf too.

I mean life is too short to remember our faults. Our autobiograpies would be too long, if we included everything… and why do people need to know, what I have done wrong, when I obviously have done great things too… right?

WRONG!

What I want to know is... who do you think you are? or... who do i think i am?

I have the ability to do greatness just as much as everyone else.

So If i win the nobel peace price I really am better... right?

WRONG!

Since when did everything become about us?

We control control our own lives, and we get through it by ourselves, on our own, with no one elses help.

WRONG!

We might get out of the ghetto and into the ghettofabulous by singing a phat rhyme... but we are still the same person, and we can easily lose everything we have gained.

Because, we didn't do it.

We worked hard... but we don't make oppourtunites happen.

It's easy, but I find it so hard to accept it.

God is in control, of my life.

Sure.

I have free will.

And yeah, I make choices, but he gives me options.

He teaches me.

He does not leave my side, when everyone else walks out.

He never forsakes me.

He loves me unconditionally (if we even know what that begins to mean).

Bottom line, If my life has the appearance of greatness someday, It sure wasn't me.

I make a smart choice... it's because God gives me knowledge and discernment.

And yeah there are rough times. But we need those times.

We need them, whether we think we do or not.

Sure, we could live without some of the things (like abuse, or something), and yeah it takes a long time to get over it.

But who would you be without the obstacles you have not overcome?

Who would you be without learning what can be learned?

Who would you be without feeling that God is there, even in the midst of darkness?

I need those times. Whether I like it or not.

I need God.

And I will tell of my wrong doings in my autobiography.

Because I am a sinner, and I am a human being.

And I want people to see me for who I am, no matter how much it may hurt my pride.

The past matters, we need to learn from expirence and look back and see what we missed.

But the NOW is more important. I will tell of my faults if i ever write an autobiography... people need to see that I am human, and I have faults, but who I was is not who I am.

I may be the main charachter... but God is the man behind it all. And it is awesome.

So I will just let go...

And let God.

And I will be fine.

He created the heavens. He created the earth. He created me.

So how could I possibly think that I am in control of my life? Even when I have not been walking with God, he was always there... no matter how much I ignored it.

So why is it so hard to be naked and be real with people?

I am not ashamed.

Because I know, no matter what happens, he will do a better job, then I ever could.

He makes it worthwhile for me.

He gives me passion to do what he has set out for me to do.

Letting it all go. With no worries about what people will see, if I proclaim my faults, my crimes, my injustices, my wrongdoings, my sins. No worries proclaiming that I am not the star.

I am human.

I am naked.

I am real.

Starting now.

Beauty and Pain

2007-08-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

Today I was listening to Kate Havnevik (check her out on myspace, and listen to the song new day). Listening to her song New Day, I started to cry. Her music is so beautiful and indescribable. It is an intricate piece of art. The music has the ability to visit every emotion in one song; the instruments, the tempo, the vocals, the effects... it is so overwhelming.

I don't usually cry when I hear music. But her song made me feel every emotion, and think every thought going through my head. And it was extrodinary.

When I hear music that is really really good, I usually close my eyes and drown myself in the sea of beauty. How can one person think up something like this?!

But then I realized, we all have a gift... she chose to use hers. Dare we use our gifts? Many of us do not even explore what our gift might be. Those of us who find it usually keep it to ourselves.

What good is a gift, if we don't use it? My history teacher once told my class "grab life by the balls". What is it we are so afraid of? Why not use our talents and scream "HERE IS MY GIFT TO YOU!"

Is it rejection we fear? Why do we care what a few people might say/think in our lifetime?

Do we only think we are mediocre? So begin to practice. Use the rejection as constructive criticism.

You may think you have found your gift, but if you find it and stop looking, how will you know if you have more than one talent/gift?

I used to be afraid of rollercoasters, until I saw everyone in line who was going on the ride and then getting off. I thought... If they can do it, why can't I? So I got on the ride and rode it with every atom inside of me.

I am going to treat my life that way... to live life with every atom inside of me. I am going to search for my gift(s), and use them with every atom inside of me.

The End

I just LOVE my ketchup.

2007-08-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

So I have been reading this book called Sex God, by Rob Bell. Not at all what you are thinking. This book is about love; how Sex was intended for us, and how we are sexual creatures. The book goes into how we think sexuality just has to do with sexual intercourse. It is so much more than that. I recommend the book to anyone, it's an easy, eye opening, beautiful read.

Anyways, reading this book made me recall to a few months ago when I was out to dinner at The Ramshead Tavern with my family, and three family friends (all men of course, sipping their doppelbacher's or whatever the name of that beer is.). I had just received my fries when I asked one of the guys for ketchup. He passed it to me smirking, because I had just been overcome with this intensity of ravenous hunger. I am sure that by the look of my face a stranger might wonder if I had eaten in the past three months.

I reached for the ketchup and squirting it out I said; "I LOVE ketchup. I just LOVE it. What would this world be without it?" Then, one of the guys said, "oh really? Do you really love ketchup? It’s funny what we humans love." I just smiled and ate my fries, not really thinking all that much of it.

But now, three months later, I am so incredibly drawn to dissect the conversation passed. How many times in a day do we say "oh I LOVE this, or I love my new shoes, I loved the movie, I am loving this new flavor of Ben&Jerry's ice cream..."etc.? Sadly the list goes on. What strikes me even more as odd is that we are so loose with loving inanimate, non-living, non feeling objects, but we are so reserved to tell people we love them. Too often it is "Luv ya babe, iloveyou, I wuv you, love ya..." and that list goes on and on.

True, it takes time to grow love for a person... but what is love? Do we even know?

How can we choose to say we love something that was eaten? How can we love something that so easily is thrown away? How can we love something we are walking in?

Nicholas Sparks states that "Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." I sure hope if you are loving your new couch that your couch is doing little things for you each day that shows it loves you back.

To love, is to love someone. A living breathing feeling human who carries emotion, conversation and the ability to (in action) love you back.

Now I will get "Rob Bell" on you and try to explain the three types of love as he did. When you are IN LOVE with someone, or you are talking about loving your family, anytime you are talking about genuine love... you are talking about AGAPE. Agape derived from the Greek roots means to genuinely love. "Many have thought that this word represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. Greek philosophers at the time of Plato and other ancient authors have used forms of the word to denote love of a spouse or family, or affection for a particular activity" In the Bible when God speaks of love he uses Agape several times. This is the type of love that God has for us. God Agapes. (i.e. 1 John 4:8, Theos ein agape, "God is Love".)

When you say, something like, "love you man. Love ya babe. OMG I LOVE YOU, you are the best!" this type of love is Philia (love). Philia is an "affection that could denote either brotherhood or generally non-sexual affection"

When you are loving someone in the moment of sexual intercourse, or raging hormones and your "love" is mainly sexually driven, this love is Eros(love), "an affection of a sexual nature, usually between two unequal partners."

I see Agape as the more beautiful of the loves. It is the action as well as the feeling. You love someone so much you put yourself aside, you submit, you love them for everything, every inch of who they are. Their flaws are your strengths; your flaws are their strengths. They are worth dying for. It is an unexplainable feeling, you have for one person. When you marry someone, that love is agape. To vow to be with them forever, to become one... to say, I agape you and only you... till death do us part. I will grow in my love with you... and it will never die. When this agape love happens along with it Philia and Eros love come into the picture and the three loves combined make an extraordinary love. Powerful, strong and eternal. Agape means everlasting love. But the three loves together are so unexplainably powerful and beautiful; it is everlasting, because they all burn a bigger fire, when combined.

So how can we say that we love our shoes? I am just as much of a victim as the next person, I use love to describe things I really like, more than averagely liking it.

The next time you say you love someone... think about it... which love do you have for them?

The next time you say you love an inanimate object that cannot be loved... think about someone you really have love for.

I know that I will not be able to never say I love something; however, I am going to try and use another word. I'd like to make the word love mean something. If we can't realize how great the meaning of LOVE is, how can we ever explain how we love someone? I would like to reserve using the word love so much... I'd rather save it for someone I really do love.

I still really really extremely like my Ketchup...

but I just can't marry it.

Sticky Note Loves, Elmers Glue Loves, Cement Loves

2007-08-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have realized that over this past year, I have been asleep. I have always been the outgoing, dream chasing, god loving, compassionate, passionate girl, who had a dream to save the world. I have always felt that I have been called to a third world country (or multiple... one never clearly knows until it happens) whether i live there forever, or just visit... I have felt that I can (at least try to) change the world and try and bring justice to the people with no voice but have so much to say.

But this past year after getting back from Ukraine I hit a low point in my life... and i slipped into an internal coma. I fell asleep. The person who i love and who I truly am was lost and this other girl stepped up to the plate. The new me... a girl who the most important thing in her life was her social life, the triumph of rebellion to anyone I knew loved and cared for me so much... the kind of love you don't stumble upon in your new found friends, the kind of love that can take years to accomplish, and i pushed away everything that was part of "Devin-in-a-coma". I metamorphed into the pointless high school girl.

Then about a month ago I was at my friends house and one of my friends was talking to me about the childish dramatics of how guys act around girls, or something like that when I looked into his eyes and all of the sudden ... I WOKE UP. I remember thinking... "whoah. what? what the heck am i doing? what am i doing with my life? why am I here? (not at my friends house, but "here" being the point my life was at). What happened to me?"

I am so done with it all. Why do I worry about the petty drama? I ask myself why I am friends with certain people when I don't really get along with? Why have I let people use me? Why have I not let others see the real me? Why am i not doing what God's will for me is? Why am i wasting my time? Why did I hurt the people who loved me? Why was I such a joke?

The friends I am friends with or was close friends with? I call those friends my "sticky note loves" because they are not permenant and they don't stick with it through the wear and tear. But why am i making my friendships shallow? why not take it deeper. Why not make sticky note loves to elmers glue loves? (see below) i want to be more than what we are, but they just don't seem ready or willing... which is fine, people grow at different paces and most are never going to be my "cement loves" (see below) you can't have 20 "cement loves", I don't even think you can have ten, and it is rare that you have even five in this lifetime. But i still like the idea of having at least "elmers glue loves" just wholesome good friends, who are fun to be around and they can be strong love when you need it sometimes. (btw... my friends that are elmers glue loves... I love you dearly. We just know that as good of friends we are, sadly after high school or college, we probably will go our seperate ways. But we'll stay together as long as we can... and then we will all go out and happily live our lives)

I am so done with needing to be miss social butterfly. All I really want/need is a few people who are real friends... people who accept you, stick with you, understand you and love you, you can talk with them about everything and anything. I want the 64 color crayola box of crayon friends. They stick with you when no one else does. They can give you guidance, and you know you will be friends with them for life. I call these kinds of people my "cement loves" because they stick through it with you. I know already that my family is that for me... I love my siblings and my parents. For them to of put up with me is incredible. My parents and two of my sisters are four of my cement loves as are four of our family friends who are there for me and offer me love and guidance.

I feel that right now outside of my family, I have one, maybe two "cement loves" and about three potentials. which is finde. As long as right now I have one, and I can be at peace knowing that a few more will come along, maybe now, maybe not for a year, or even five years, maybe even fifty years. (it takes time to make cement loves, you know....)anyways, this is just a document... a marking point of my official decleration... I am done with it all and I am ready to get on with my life and re live it how i was and follow my dreams and become my old passionate (but slightly more grown up) self. I am ready to do whatever God has planned for me... I guess i owe that big guy, cause he has done so much for me... He was my first cement love, and will always be.

Cheers!