http://www.pandora.com/#/stations/play/88029808642427404 This is what I listened to while I wrote. Listen to Bon Iver while you read! (**remember to open the link in a new window)
I'm really bad at this writing thing. I don't understand. How can someone who loves to write, hate writing? No, perhaps not writing, I just hate the daunting overwhelming feeling that comes along with gutting the black bitter bile that rests within my soul via pen to paper. (or for those who like myself, some days have OCD and this metaphorical phrase will kill you; fingers to keypad).
The Bon Iver Pandora Station helps me today. He inspires my heart, my sorrow, my grief, my love. He inspires it to the point of writing. The weather has a big part to play. Today it is fall. My favorite season. This feeling on my chest inspires me.
Why must I wait until it becomes overwhelming and unbearable? Curse humainity. Curse unavailable community. Curse the feeling that words just don't come easy.
My perception is blinding me. My fear is that my perception is true. If it is true-- then it's back to square one, it's back to feeling helpless and hopeless, it's back to feeling as though the end is chasing me.
If I allow the end to come...
If I allow the end to come?
If I allow the end to come.
What if? It would be a new day. It would be a new page. It would be a new world, with no attachments, except the divine desire to love and be loved. No one would know me. A huge part of me existing only because others create it. Gone.
Blissful freedom. Could I do it? Could I walk away? I don't know if I can be responsible for colossial damage.
BUT what about the rebel within me? What about the fighter within me? The woman who fights with invincibility, fearlessly, for everyone but herself. Could I be selfish today? Could I take that strength for myself. Just for today. Please?
I can no longer allow my whims to be effected by you. Just because I'm back doesn't mean I'm the same. Just because I look the same doesn't mean I haven't changed. Because I have. Obviously you have changed... your destruction and selfishness still stands, but I can see change in you. Don't you see change in me? I'm different. I'm DIFFERENT NOW!
I can't make love to you. I never wanted to. But I thought for a moment I could. I know now, it was a moment of weakness. I can't make love if I don't love with a special kind of love. I hope you find love. I still love you... but I am not IN love with you. You had my heart. It was broken and bruised, torn and beaten, bleeding, lying helpless, shattered to pieces... and if that wasn't enough, you are still kicking the lifeless body of a heart before you. Can we be done? Can we be done now my love? My love, what did I ever do to you? What did you expect from me?
Why does it still break for you? You've already destroyed it. You obtained such a part of me, there is still room to break. Shocking. This unpleasent feeling. You have NO CONTROL! Stop thinking that you do! If you loved me you would let me know this. Instead you hate to see me go, you twist my thoughts into codependency.
I am looking for the middle ground. Can this be salvaged for something good? Only time and truth will tell. Because you know this... we weren't supposed to live like this. We were supposed to be great together and change the world together. We were supposed to look different from all other loves, from all other lovers. We were supposed to be the welcoming, warm and inviting couple. We were supposed to live simply and love fully. We were supposed to be something great. Something different.
What happened? I think we got to ourselves. We got too comfortable. We became unfamiliar with dreams. We became and stayed. We didn't continue to stir the pot, we just let it burn, like the time I let the rice burn. I didn't change the temperature on the stove. Remember that? Remember the fun we had? The good times? In the company of others? In the company of each other. We stopped talking. That was a mistake. We stopped being, and tried to change each other. I forgot why you were good, I forgot why I loved you. I think you did the same.
And now its different. You know what darling? I think this different is ok. Life is hard. Life changes. I need to be ok when everything changes, not just one thing. Us parting... that is everything changing. I think it will be good. You need to heal, I need to remember to what I have been called. I can't wait until we meet again and it's different. I would help you, but I can't now. You need to do some self discovery... just like I need to discover why I am here, and where I should be. I just had to get this off my chest. I'll still be around, but I won't be. All at the same time.
My people are calling me. I hear cries. I hear people dying. I hear desperation. This is where I need to be. This is what I should be doing. Will you share your blessing? Maybe one day you will join me. Some of your sisters have. Maybe you have a different calling. We all feel the wind in a different way. We need to be ok with this.
Blessings on your life dear friend. I hope you will understand. I have to start living. I have to start moving. I can be boxed in no longer.
I am strong, I am made new, this was NOT what I had in mind, this is not what He had in mind when he changed it all. This is not who YOU were called to be. Times, they are a changing. It's time we embraced our truth. It's time we remembered who we are.
I love you-- its just that I am feeling the wind in a different way today.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment