Part one: The Human Discovery

Too often people find themselves at a crossroad. To that point in our lives where we don’t know what we’re good for or what our purpose is. Where the only talent s that pop out are the seemingly useless ones, or the ones that others posess, but we so apparently lack.

But there is such a grand fact we overlook, because we’ve so watered it down, and not realized the power of it.

That every human being is capable of love.

Of loving others.

Not just the romantic love meant for only two… but a love so great that we realize there is still room in our heart to love more people we thought we could.

And from that love flows each persons realization of what they are good for.

A love to feed the hungry

A love to clothe the orphans

A love to protect the widows

A love to impact the lives of others


A love to live out.


The ability to love, each and every person possesses; to fufill the calling God has put on our lives…

To live out love.

The greatest most valuable gift God has given us.

A God that loves unconditionally.

A God that loves to love.

A God who made us humans in his image, with our own ability and capability of love, or even better, loving to love.

Because out of that love comes the rest.

Who we are
What we can do

And why we do it

a fish is dehydrated.

I was in Marine Biology class the other day when I heard my teacher say something that struck me as odd and shocked me... more than I thought the simple fact would.

Though fish live in the ocean... they fight dehydration their whole lives and are constantly dehydrated.

What???

Think about it for a moment.

Chew it up.

Digest it.

What strikes this as so strange?

The fact that fish... the creatures that God put in the Ocean and said teem the waters... who are 24/7 submerged in water are dehydrated?



Well yes...

and no.



I think what really urked me was the thought that immediately came to mind.

What I instantly thought of was how I can relate to this.

And it made me kind of sick.

The kind of sick where you want to go run 100 miles to feel better... but you know you can't and then you just end up feeling really lousy.





I, as a follower of Christ, can get caught up in my own dehydration.




I can constantly be surrounded


by my Vineyard family


by Christan leaders


by teachings


by books


by worship


by the bible


by God.


But if I'm not seizing those things and absorbing them then I am empty and "dehydrated" just as much as the fish.

If I am not refilling the tank, then I can't run.

I can be surrounded by everything I need for spiritual growth and my spiritual life but if I'm not using it then I can't grow, or survive.





Am I taking advantage of the life I have?

Could be.

Hm.

I can't just have a great stretch of spiritual growth and say "OK, I'm in a good place now. That's it". and just never re-adjust, or replenish it.





Life is ever changing.

We are ever changing.

God is ever changing.





That little bit of growth will never keep up with it all.




Here's to committing to fighting the dehydration... daily. 24/7.




To being open and ever changing.




To being re-fillable.

Once upon a time there was chaos... and it was all ok.

So Saturday marked the third vineyard show (the concert ministry I am a part of) in which Nazim, or the better-half of the tag team was gone. (he's in New Orleans... pray for him and the team!) It was a scream fest, so all of the bands were hardcore/screamo, and I was expecting them to be completely ridiculous and destructive. 4 team members were gone, and I had gotten two hours of sleep the night before.

The night looked like it was going to be disastrous and painful.

But I arrived that morning, and all of the chairs had been moved (thanks Linda and Nazim), all the plants had been moved (thanks new Orleans guys) and most everything was ready.

I was able to spend the day relaxing, spending time with god, and reading naturally supernatural (great book). I was completely at peace all through the show.

My team was so awesome and I am glad to call them my team. They were totally servants and they had my back.

The guests/patrons were really awesome. And I totally had an awesome encounter with this one guy in a band. God's hand was all over that.

I am really starting to see the fruit of the ministry. At first, it was hard being patient... but If I wasn't then all these awesome interactions with fans and bans would not happen at the level that they are.

So this sounds totally hippie-ish but Jesus spoke to me the other day in the randomest way...

Through the clouds.

I was riding to the DMV to take my drivers test, and lately I had been feeling dry in my relationship with God. So I started praying/talking to God and I was like "OK God, I know you are there and listening, and I know I am ridiculous for even asking, and I feel kind of selfish and rude, but where have you been? I have these walls up and I want to knock them down. Can't you just speak to me or something? Cause I feel like we haven't had a good convo in a while."

Right after that I looked up through the sunroof and I saw this cloud in the form of a heart break away from the other clouds and drift (pretty fast) until it was over the sunroof.

I remember being like... shoot, I forgot to take my meds and this is what happens.

But then I said "God is that you or is that just me being stupid?"

Immediately I saw another cloud-heart.

Again I said "God is that really you? I feel dumb."

Right after that I saw A giant cloud-hand in the holding a cloud-heart and it looked unusually real, like it was a real hand.

And I knew that it was God's hand, and I saw another hand holding a heart and then the heart floated out of the hand towards the car.

I was instantly filled with such love for God. I felt like I was going to burst. I knew God was saying "I am with you and I love you". I felt so reassured and loved. I felt whole and protected. So inexpressible.

I started praying. And I said "God I am sorry for ever doubting you..." and it went on but then I was like "God, please let me pass this drivers test. Calm my nerves and show favor on this test."

Immediately I saw a cloud arrow pointing to the dmv with a heart at the end.

Amazing... so amazing how sometimes God chooses to talk to us.

I passed my test.

As of today....

As of today I am going to use my blog as a daily (or as daily as possible) journal. I will still write about things on my heart or mind, but I really want to start documenting my days.



Today was an interesting day. I woke up feeling really irritated... no matter what outfit I put on, I just wasn't feeling any of them, and usually I can just throw something together and it works, and I feel good.



Today started out bad.



Lately I have been so irritated. I am so sick of my stomach pains. For those of you who don't know, I have been having severe stomach pains most days and It is so annoying, because I have waves of nausea, sometimes i feel like someone has punched me in the gut, other times I feel like I am going to vomit any second. And I don't know when it will happen, it comes and goes... sometimes lasts for a while, sometimes a moment.



It gets old.



So I woke up today and my stomach was hurting. I was still going over the very emotionally tiring conversations of the night before. I was thinking of the things that have been revealed. I was overwhelmed and I was late.



I got into an argument, when I came upstairs to get some breakfast, and then I felt horrible.



So I got to work and at first it was rough... but as the day went on I felt so much better.



I think it is because I love where I work (at a day care) and I love the kids, and they love me back. I am really going to miss them when I leave.

Tonight I had Maddie, Taylor and Rachael over for Genevieve's sleepover. The girls are so cute... I miss being seven. lol.

I also wrote a new song... we'll see how it goes.

I woke up at two thirty and spent some time with god. It was really good. random, but great.

How awesome is this... the other day on my way to my drivers test, God spoke to me through the clouds! I plan on blogging that later.

That's it for today.

Cheers!

Keep Breathing

Some things.


There are some things that I understand.

There are some things I can do without thinking.

There are some things that I can just accept.



And then there is everything else.


Everything else that I do not understand.

Everything else that kills my mind just for trying.

Everything else that I just can not accept.


That I do not want to accept.


I sometimes wonder... what are people for?

I know this is the most ridiculous question... and obviously there are a million reasons.

Obviously God had a plan for each and every one.


But there are times when I just think... how painless my life would be without people.

I have not had the best track record with people. I have never had a friend who is solid and sticks with me through the years.

Feeling the burn of betrayal and rejection...

the sting of knowing...

feeling...

alone.

The thoughts that travel through my head... was it my fault? what did I do wrong? Open my eyes God... show me what I need to change.

I try to fix things up... but I can't.

Sure we might be friends again... but never the same.

My whole life... from the time I had my first best friend,

...until now.

That is whats killing me now.

I opened up. I told everything.

Every seceret, every problem, every thought.

And there were times when I would panic.

The Red Alert would go off.

A warning...

I am going in too deep.

I will end up hurt. Again.

But in my heart I thought "I feel safe with this person. How could I get hurt? Everything is just fine".

And sure enough, what happened.

I am alone.

The cold slap stings.

Changed as suddenly as the tide.

And once more... I am tired.

I am tired of being back at point A.

I am weak.

I am angry.

I am mourning.

And I just don't know if I have the strength to go back and try to fix it.

"If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Am I at fault here?

May God give me strength.

I am weary of people some days.

I am afraid of breaking one more time.

I am a stranger to commitment, a fear of mine.

May God give me the right person.

May he help me over come my fears.

May he open my mind and guide me...

Because I just can't anymore.


Some things.


There are some things that I understand.

There are some things I can do without thinking.

There are some things that I can just accept.



And then there is everything else.


Everything else that I do not understand.

Everything else that kills my mind just for trying.

Everything else that I just can not accept.


That I do not want to accept.


This....

I do not want to accept.

A MOMENT???

Ok.



I am agitated.



I am frustrated.



but I am to blame too.


Here's the scenario. I am in school on September 11th. Announcements come on. The principal comes on REMINDING us that it was September 11th. He then asked us to take a moment of silence for all the families that have dealt with the loss of loved ones, and all of those who died in the attacks.



Do you know how long our moment was, for the 2,976 people that died?



20 seconds.



20 seconds is all we got???



First off, while it is not good to stay stuck in the past, it shames me that I did not remember that it was "September 11th".

Secondly, for the 2976 people that died, and for all of the families that have lost people they loved, the only time we give in rememberance to them is 20 seconds? And do we even think about the people in that short span of time once a year

I'm not asking for an hour... but at least a minute?

I am all for not living in the past or staying stuck in the past... but I am for remembering the lives of those innocently killed.

I am one of the biggest culprits for not using that 20 seconds to remember the victims...

But I am going to start.

I am not very nationalistic and this has nothing to do with patriotism or good ol america.

It pains me to see that September 11th is starting to be more commercialized...

Plain and simple, thousands were innocently killed in america, how thousands are innocently killed in Uganda (or any other country).

And the next time I take that moment of silence for anyone, anywhere, I am truly going to try and imagine how the families must feel, or how the people must have been moments before they die, and I think I'll say a prayer about it.

Sometimes, I have no mouth...

I am excited.

Last night while lying in bed I had a "GOD" experience.

I was sleeping when I received a phone call, and it scared me, so my first reaction was to pick up the phone, open it and put it to my ear.

Then it happened.

I could not speak.

I could not move a muscle in my body.

It was like I was paralyzed from head to toe.

Every atom inside of me was fighting it. Every bone, every muscle, every thought.

But I could not move or speak. I could not even open my eyes.

I was panicking and thinking, "Talk. Devin! TALK! move your arm! Sit up! make a noise!".

But I could not.



Earlier that night, before I was going to climb into bed, I had a breakdown. I cried for about two hours. I released everything inside of me. I let it all out, and I let it go. Every painful feeling, every hurting thought. I released it.


Here's the deal. This past month has been one of the hardest months of my life. It's not easy hearing people say thing about you. It's not easy being betrayed. It's not easy losing friends. I have had to carry burdens that I never imagined. I am worn out and I am fighting a battle that can not be won by myself. Every time I get ahead, something or someone is ready to fight a worn out Devin, and I can not win, this sets me farther back then before. I am on a never resting schedule, and I can not recharge.

But throughout the whole time, God was doing amazing things, most of which I took no notice of.

The whole thing started with me fully re-surrendering my life to God. But In order to do that, I had to face everything that I put before him.

I had to face my sins.

I had to put things in my life right.

Make over.

I had to fight the giant.

But beautiful happened in the middle of ugly.

The real friendships stand out. People were there to support me and help me. God started speaking to me quite a bit. I started to heal. He opened doors. He took me into his arms and held me...

The make over is still happening, and I am still fighting the battle.

There was one battle I was trying to fight by myself, but last night, I finally let him take full control.

Now he is fighting EVERYTHING with me.

EVERYTHING for me.

I was paralyzed for a moment and God was saying, "not now Devin. Deal with this tomorrow. Stay in my presence for a while longer. If you want to fix this, you need to let this call go for right now."

As soon as I was released from my paralyzation, I dropped the phone and cried a bit more. But these were tears of Joy.

The whole night, throughout my sleep, I stayed harmoniously in tune with God.

This has never happened.

I am excited.

I am excited because even though I am still going "through it" and I am still going to be facing some rough times, I will let myself fall into paralysis and let God handle it.

I am excited for the new life, and the new opportunity.

Things here in Maryland are soon coming to an end.

I am finishing this chapter and starting a new one.

I am in the preparation stage,


and then...


I am going to move on.



That excites me.

May you face your giant.

May you be at peace.

May you fall in tune with God.

Love,
Devin Joy

it

When I was reading through Mark this morning, I came across the passage where Jesus heals the dead girl and brings her back to life.

Mark 5:35-43
35 While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.”
36 But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.”
37 Then Jesus stopped the crowd and wouldn’t let anyone go with him except Peter, James, and John (the brother of James). 38 When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw much commotion and weeping and wailing. 39 He went inside and asked, “Why all this commotion and weeping? The child isn’t dead; she’s only asleep.”
40 The crowd laughed at him. But he made them all leave, and he took the girl’s father and mother and his three disciples into the room where the girl was lying. 41 Holding her hand, he said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means “Little girl, get up!” 42 And the girl, who was twelve years old, immediately stood up and walked around! They were overwhelmed and totally amazed. 43 Jesus gave them strict orders not to tell anyone what had happened, and then he told them to give her something to eat.

And that is the end of the chapter and everything about that incident.

I sat outside and something grabbed hold inside of me.

Maybe it was that it was a beautiful breezy summer day.

Maybe it was the fact that I was at work watching the kids who I had come to love over the summer and they seemed so happy and peaceful playing pokemon and the princesses, and I thought, “Beautiful”.

Maybe it was the fact that I was thinking of my family and where I am in my life right now, and I was thinking “perfect”.

I am absolutely sure, from the marrow inside of me that God was present, right beside me and everything in that moment in time was so beautiful, wondrous and holy. It was because of this that I was in awe.

I started to tear up. That swelling joyous feeling inside of me was making me so happy I was bursting at the seams.

Its moments like these when I fall even more deeply in love with God.
God is always present, but it's those times when he is overwhelmingly present and everything is just right... as if he is saying "Step back. Feel what I have made you to feel. Everything will be ok."

I love moments like that; so indescribable.

Back to the passage.

I don't know if any of you have realized the hugeness of what just happened...

Imagine you are this girls parents.

YOUR DAUGHTER WAS DEAD, AND SOME GUY WALKS IN AND RAISES HER FROM THE DEAD!

And that is all the bible talks about.

But I have to wonder... what went on, after she was revived?

I know that so much more happened.

Did the girl realize she had just risen out of death?

Did she go to heaven for a moment? Hell?

Did her parents cry?

Did they throw a party?

Did the guests leave to give the family time together?

How did life go on for the family after the miracle?

What immediate changes (if any) did the family make?

Was the whole room in shock? Or did they cry?

Were they filled with the Holy Spirit?

Were witnesses filled with the indescribable feeling? So much that they were bursting at the seams?

Did they see the beauty and splendor of it all?

Did they hear God's voice? Was he saying, "Step back. Feel what I have made you to feel. Everything will be ok."

The Beauty.

The Rush.

The magnitude of it all.

Do we see the beauty in the simple passage?

Do we read between the lines to completely comprehend?

Can we even envision that feeling of holiness?

No words to describe "it".

Because "it" is so ultimate that no words can be made to even begin to describe "it".

"It" is God, and "it" is beyond words.

Whoah.

sweet.

Psalm 26

1 Vindicate me, O LORD,
for I have led a blameless life;
I have trusted in the LORD
without wavering.

2 Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;

3 for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth.

4 I do not sit with deceitful men,
nor do I consort with hypocrites;

5 I abhor the assembly of evildoers
and refuse to sit with the wicked.

6 I wash my hands in innocence,
and go about your altar, O LORD,

7 proclaiming aloud your praise
and telling of all your wonderful deeds.

8 I love the house where you live, O LORD,
the place where your glory dwells.

9 Do not take away my soul along with sinners,
my life with bloodthirsty men,

10 in whose hands are wicked schemes,
whose right hands are full of bribes.

11 But I lead a blameless life;
redeem me and be merciful to me.

12 My feet stand on level ground;
in the great assembly I will praise the LORD.

I'll take it black...

Today I was at Starbucks.

Shocker.

I drink coffee a lot. But when I go out for coffee for some reason I go to Starbucks every time. I am under the opinion that they have the BEST coffee in the United States.

I am one who likes to try different things... and I get bored with stuff pretty easily, especially when I always do the same thing over and over. I just find it so bland... I have to switch it up every now and then.

So when it is hot, like it was today, and I am ordering my drink I usually get an iced coffee with milk. Perfectly hits the spot.

But sometimes I like to try something new, especially when my company is getting the same thing.

So I asked the guy at the counter if he could recommend a drink, and he offered up a frappuchino. I told him, naaa, I've had that a million times, and I find it way too sweet.

Then I see it.

Raspberry Mocha Iced Latte.

So I order.

My drink arrives....

...I take a sip...


....Horrible.

It’s really funny how three individually great tasting flavors (raspberry, chocolate and coffee) taste disgusting when blended together.

I can even imagine that taking a bite of raspberry-chocolate and coffee would taste pretty good.

But when combined to make one drink… revolting.

I just can’t get my head around it.

I tried like it. I tried to drink it, and I got about halfway when my mom said, “Devin, go and get something else to drink. That tastes like poison.”

So I went to the counter and ordered an iced coffee with milk.

Never had my regular, boring old drink tasted better.

I have to laugh.

It is so typical that things like this happen everyday.

So often we try and blend things together and make it work.

Does it ever work?

Sure…

But it’s the times when it does not work that we have to realize… “Whoa, I can’t be drinking this, its poison” (a.k.a. I should not do this).

I know of several times in my life when I have mixed myself a cup of poison.

The problem was, even when I knew it was bad, and I knew it would only hurt me... I still drank it.

And the effects from the poison would haunt me, or harm me.

I am still healing from some of the times that I made those choices.

Some examples would be my partying lifestyle, the drinking, the sexual acts I took part in, the people I hung out with, the music I listened to, the movies I saw, the books I read… the list goes on.

Separately some things from this list could be perfectly fine.

It was combining them that almost killed me.

I had no self control.

Why?

I have no idea. I'm usually a pretty strong, stubborn person.

I was an addict.

I realized “Whoa, I have got to stop.”

It took humility, strength, courage and repentance to really change.

That road itself is rough to travel on, but I did.

Still am.

So out of all of this I have realized that the life I am living and want to live is my Iced Coffee.

I am certain I will add flavors to this drink, but the ones that make it worth drinking. The flavors that make it satisfying to drink and that make it taste extraordinary.

Until then I’ll just start over and try again.

I'll try and use that self control.

I'll take that coffee, plain for now, until I figure what to mix it with.

I’ll take it black.

Don't Don't Don't stop the beat... can't stop the beat.

Main charachter of a widely watched reality t.v. show, or sitcom:

"....I am the STAR of MY show.

MY show is the story of MY life, and how I overcome the obstacles by MYSELF."

By the typical happenings of Hollywood Exec’s the only highlights seen by the viewers is the drama, the bad and how it all revolves around ME.

No one see’s behind the scenes, or how things really happened or why they happened.

You might see a girl crying because a her best friend was telling the guys something really mean about her… but you wouldn’t know that the crying girl had backstabbed her friend and stole her boyfriend. But since the show is about the crying girl and you are supposed to like her, you don’t know that the girl was in the wrong too. It is pathetic, superficial and the Hollywood producers make the girl seen in only one way, and that is the way they want the viewers see her.

The thing is, while we are the main characters of our own sitcoms, it certainly does not mean we are the star of the show.

We make ourselves the star, and it really kills me to realize it. We have our hardships, but we only tell one side… ours, and when we know we are in the wrong, well… we just leave that little snippet out. We exaggerate our positives and achivements, but… whoops, forgot to tell you, yeah… um, I have some negative happenings on my behalf too.

I mean life is too short to remember our faults. Our autobiograpies would be too long, if we included everything… and why do people need to know, what I have done wrong, when I obviously have done great things too… right?

WRONG!

What I want to know is... who do you think you are? or... who do i think i am?

I have the ability to do greatness just as much as everyone else.

So If i win the nobel peace price I really am better... right?

WRONG!

Since when did everything become about us?

We control control our own lives, and we get through it by ourselves, on our own, with no one elses help.

WRONG!

We might get out of the ghetto and into the ghettofabulous by singing a phat rhyme... but we are still the same person, and we can easily lose everything we have gained.

Because, we didn't do it.

We worked hard... but we don't make oppourtunites happen.

It's easy, but I find it so hard to accept it.

God is in control, of my life.

Sure.

I have free will.

And yeah, I make choices, but he gives me options.

He teaches me.

He does not leave my side, when everyone else walks out.

He never forsakes me.

He loves me unconditionally (if we even know what that begins to mean).


Bottom line, If my life has the appearance of greatness someday, It sure wasn't me.

I make a smart choice... it's because God gives me knowledge and discernment.

And yeah there are rough times. But we need those times.

We need them, whether we think we do or not.

Sure, we could live without some of the things (like abuse, or something), and yeah it takes a long time to get over it.

But who would you be without the obstacles you have not overcome?

Who would you be without learning what can be learned?

Who would you be without feeling that God is there, even in the midst of darkness?

I need those times. Whether I like it or not.

I need God.

And I will tell of my wrong doings in my autobiography.

Because I am a sinner, and I am a human being.

And I want people to see me for who I am, no matter how much it may hurt my pride.

The past matters, we need to learn from expirence and look back and see what we missed.

But the NOW is more important. I will tell of my faults if i ever write an autobiography... people need to see that I am human, and I have faults, but who I was is not who I am.

I may be the main charachter... but God is the man behind it all. And it is awesome.

So I will just let go...

And let God.

And I will be fine.

He created the heavens. He created the earth. He created me.

So how could I possibly think that I am in control of my life? Even when I have not been walking with God, he was always there... no matter how much I ignored it.

So why is it so hard to be naked and be real with people?

I am not ashamed.

Because I know, no matter what happens, he will do a better job, then I ever could.

He makes it worthwhile for me.

He gives me passion to do what he has set out for me to do.

Letting it all go. With no worries about what people will see, if I proclaim my faults, my crimes, my injustices, my wrongdoings, my sins. No worries proclaiming that I am not the star.

I am human.

I am naked.

I am real.

Starting now.

Beauty and Pain

Today I was listening to Kate Havnevik (check her out on myspace, and listen to the song new day). Listening to her song New Day, I started to cry. Her music is so beautiful and indescribable. It is an intricate piece of art. The music has the ability to visit every emotion in one song; the instruments, the tempo, the vocals, the effects... it is so overwhelming.

I don't usually cry when I hear music. But her song made me feel every emotion, and think every thought going through my head. And it was extrodinary.

When I hear music that is really really good, I usually close my eyes and drown myself in the sea of beauty. How can one person think up something like this?!

But then I realized, we all have a gift... she chose to use hers. Dare we use our gifts? Many of us do not even explore what our gift might be. Those of us who find it usually keep it to ourselves.

What good is a gift, if we don't use it? My history teacher once told my class "grab life by the balls". What is it we are so afraid of? Why not use our talents and scream "HERE IS MY GIFT TO YOU!"

Is it rejection we fear? Why do we care what a few people might say/think in our lifetime?

Do we only think we are mediocre? So begin to practice. Use the rejection as constructive criticism.

You may think you have found your gift, but if you find it and stop looking, how will you know if you have more than one talent/gift?


I used to be afraid of rollercoasters, until I saw everyone in line who was going on the ride and then getting off. I thought... If they can do it, why can't I? So I got on the ride and rode it with every atom inside of me.

I am going to treat my life that way... to live life with every atom inside of me. I am going to search for my gift(s), and use them with every atom inside of me.

The End

I just LOVE my ketchup.

So I have been reading this book called Sex God, by Rob Bell. Not at all what you are thinking. This book is about love; how Sex was intended for us, and how we are sexual creatures. The book goes into how we think sexuality just has to do with sexual intercourse. It is so much more than that. I recommend the book to anyone, it's an easy, eye opening, beautiful read.



Anyways, reading this book made me recall to a few months ago when I was out to dinner at The Ramshead Tavern with my family, and three family friends (all men of course, sipping their doppelbacher's or whatever the name of that beer is.). I had just received my fries when I asked one of the guys for ketchup. He passed it to me smirking, because I had just been overcome with this intensity of ravenous hunger. I am sure that by the look of my face a stranger might wonder if I had eaten in the past three months.



I reached for the ketchup and squirting it out I said; "I LOVE ketchup. I just LOVE it. What would this world be without it?" Then, one of the guys said, "oh really? Do you really love ketchup? It’s funny what we humans love." I just smiled and ate my fries, not really thinking all that much of it.

But now, three months later, I am so incredibly drawn to dissect the conversation passed. How many times in a day do we say "oh I LOVE this, or I love my new shoes, I loved the movie, I am loving this new flavor of Ben&Jerry's ice cream..."etc.? Sadly the list goes on. What strikes me even more as odd is that we are so loose with loving inanimate, non-living, non feeling objects, but we are so reserved to tell people we love them. Too often it is "Luv ya babe, iloveyou, I wuv you, love ya..." and that list goes on and on.

True, it takes time to grow love for a person... but what is love? Do we even know?

How can we choose to say we love something that was eaten? How can we love something that so easily is thrown away? How can we love something we are walking in?

Nicholas Sparks states that "Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." I sure hope if you are loving your new couch that your couch is doing little things for you each day that shows it loves you back.

To love, is to love someone. A living breathing feeling human who carries emotion, conversation and the ability to (in action) love you back.

Now I will get "Rob Bell" on you and try to explain the three types of love as he did. When you are IN LOVE with someone, or you are talking about loving your family, anytime you are talking about genuine love... you are talking about AGAPE. Agape derived from the Greek roots means to genuinely love. "Many have thought that this word represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. Greek philosophers at the time of Plato and other ancient authors have used forms of the word to denote love of a spouse or family, or affection for a particular activity" In the Bible when God speaks of love he uses Agape several times. This is the type of love that God has for us. God Agapes. (i.e. 1 John 4:8, Theos ein agape, "God is Love".)

When you say, something like, "love you man. Love ya babe. OMG I LOVE YOU, you are the best!" this type of love is Philia (love). Philia is an "affection that could denote either brotherhood or generally non-sexual affection"

When you are loving someone in the moment of sexual intercourse, or raging hormones and your "love" is mainly sexually driven, this love is Eros(love), "an affection of a sexual nature, usually between two unequal partners."

I see Agape as the more beautiful of the loves. It is the action as well as the feeling. You love someone so much you put yourself aside, you submit, you love them for everything, every inch of who they are. Their flaws are your strengths; your flaws are their strengths. They are worth dying for. It is an unexplainable feeling, you have for one person. When you marry someone, that love is agape. To vow to be with them forever, to become one... to say, I agape you and only you... till death do us part. I will grow in my love with you... and it will never die. When this agape love happens along with it Philia and Eros love come into the picture and the three loves combined make an extraordinary love. Powerful, strong and eternal. Agape means everlasting love. But the three loves together are so unexplainably powerful and beautiful; it is everlasting, because they all burn a bigger fire, when combined.

So how can we say that we love our shoes? I am just as much of a victim as the next person, I use love to describe things I really like, more than averagely liking it.

The next time you say you love someone... think about it... which love do you have for them?

The next time you say you love an inanimate object that cannot be loved... think about someone you really have love for.

I know that I will not be able to never say I love something; however, I am going to try and use another word. I'd like to make the word love mean something. If we can't realize how great the meaning of LOVE is, how can we ever explain how we love someone? I would like to reserve using the word love so much... I'd rather save it for someone I really do love.

I still really really extremely like my Ketchup...

but I just can't marry it.

Sticky Note Loves, Elmers Glue Loves, Cement Loves

I have realized that over this past year, I have been asleep. I have always been the outgoing, dream chasing, god loving, compassionate, passionate girl, who had a dream to save the world. I have always felt that I have been called to a third world country (or multiple... one never clearly knows until it happens) whether i live there forever, or just visit... I have felt that I can (at least try to) change the world and try and bring justice to the people with no voice but have so much to say.

But this past year after getting back from Ukraine I hit a low point in my life... and i slipped into an internal coma. I fell asleep. The person who i love and who I truly am was lost and this other girl stepped up to the plate. The new me... a girl who the most important thing in her life was her social life, the triumph of rebellion to anyone I knew loved and cared for me so much... the kind of love you don't stumble upon in your new found friends, the kind of love that can take years to accomplish, and i pushed away everything that was part of "Devin-in-a-coma". I metamorphed into the pointless high school girl.

Then about a month ago I was at my friends house and one of my friends was talking to me about the childish dramatics of how guys act around girls, or something like that when I looked into his eyes and all of the sudden ... I WOKE UP. I remember thinking... "whoah. what? what the heck am i doing? what am i doing with my life? why am I here? (not at my friends house, but "here" being the point my life was at). What happened to me?"

I am so done with it all. Why do I worry about the petty drama? I ask myself why I am friends with certain people when I don't really get along with? Why have I let people use me? Why have I not let others see the real me? Why am i not doing what God's will for me is? Why am i wasting my time? Why did I hurt the people who loved me? Why was I such a joke?

The friends I am friends with or was close friends with? I call those friends my "sticky note loves" because they are not permenant and they don't stick with it through the wear and tear. But why am i making my friendships shallow? why not take it deeper. Why not make sticky note loves to elmers glue loves? (see below) i want to be more than what we are, but they just don't seem ready or willing... which is fine, people grow at different paces and most are never going to be my "cement loves" (see below) you can't have 20 "cement loves", I don't even think you can have ten, and it is rare that you have even five in this lifetime. But i still like the idea of having at least "elmers glue loves" just wholesome good friends, who are fun to be around and they can be strong love when you need it sometimes. (btw... my friends that are elmers glue loves... I love you dearly. We just know that as good of friends we are, sadly after high school or college, we probably will go our seperate ways. But we'll stay together as long as we can... and then we will all go out and happily live our lives)

I am so done with needing to be miss social butterfly. All I really want/need is a few people who are real friends... people who accept you, stick with you, understand you and love you, you can talk with them about everything and anything. I want the 64 color crayola box of crayon friends. They stick with you when no one else does. They can give you guidance, and you know you will be friends with them for life. I call these kinds of people my "cement loves" because they stick through it with you. I know already that my family is that for me... I love my siblings and my parents. For them to of put up with me is incredible. My parents and two of my sisters are four of my cement loves as are four of our family friends who are there for me and offer me love and guidance.

I feel that right now outside of my family, I have one, maybe two "cement loves" and about three potentials. which is finde. As long as right now I have one, and I can be at peace knowing that a few more will come along, maybe now, maybe not for a year, or even five years, maybe even fifty years. (it takes time to make cement loves, you know....)anyways, this is just a document... a marking point of my official decleration... I am done with it all and I am ready to get on with my life and re live it how i was and follow my dreams and become my old passionate (but slightly more grown up) self. I am ready to do whatever God has planned for me... I guess i owe that big guy, cause he has done so much for me... He was my first cement love, and will always be.

Cheers!